Mr. Nice Guy

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There is a guy in my gym class who goes to many efforts to be nice.  He arrives early, sets up the step benches and hand weights for all of those around him, and sprays their hand weights with anti-septic spray. Once the class starts, he pauses to take a count of how many attendees are in the class, and reports this to the instructor afterwards. While everyone is doing ab exercises during the last ten minutes of class, he skips this part to put up everyone's benches and weights.  Why does this guy go to all of this extra effort to be nice to people who aren't even his friends?  No one knows, but I've certainly wondered.

Is being nice an innate trait, or is it something we have to practice?  I don't believe it's innate--look at toddlers, for example.  They are seldom nice before they are taught to be....they whine and cry when they don't get what they want, they seldom want to share, and want all the attention they can get. 

If being nice is not a natural trait, then why are we nice?

1.  To get something or someone we want:  We learn this as children, and we can all remember becoming masters of this technique as teenagers.  Want to go out tonight? Want to take the car? Want money? Be nice to Mom and Dad, and they just might give you what you want.  In the workforce, we are nice when we want a promotion, when we want the sale, and when we want accolades.

2.  To be liked:  Do you ever find yourself giving compliments to people just to get their attention and to gain acceptance?  Aren't most people extremely nice on the first few dates because they are trying to impress?

3.  We believe that little voice in our head that says, "what goes around, comes around":  That familiar Bible verse rings in our ears, " do to others what you would have them do to you..." Matthew 7:12.  I may not want to be nice to the annoying salesperson who calls at an inconvenient time, but since I'm in sales and have to cold call on others, I feel like I should treat them the way I would want to be treated. Or perhaps you see someone in distress, and you want to be nice and helpful to them, knowing that if you were in that situation you would want someone to do that for you.

4.  Because it's morally the right thing to do:  You may not feel like it, but you practice niceness anyway, because you have a desire to be a better person.  You know you're being nice for this reason when you know you won't gain anything for yourself directly as a result of your actions.

The first three motives for being nice is all about "me".  The last is about the other person.  So the next time you want to pat yourself on the back for being nice, ask yourself your true motives. If they fall into the first three categories, hooray for you for being nice, but realize you were doing it because of how you felt it might benefit you, either immediately or in the future.  Look for opportunities to be nice because you know it's the right thing to do, and that you're doing it for the benefit of the other person rather than yourself.