Are You Having A Conversation Or A Comparisation?

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Lately I've found myself guilty of doing the thing I hate when it's done to me.  I hate it when I'm telling a story, and someone else either interrupts or chimes in on the heel of my story with their own tale which is either similar to mine or better than mine.  It's like verbally raining on someone's parade.  But when I am guilty of doing it,  I mean no harm--I'm just trying to connect with them and show that we have something in common. It goes something like this, "Really? A similar thing happened to me..."  It's only been in my time reflecting on past conversations that I realize these comparisons are not forming a common bond, but they are deflating the other person's importance.

When we are telling someone a story or revealing something about ourselves, what we want most is to be heard. And this means focused eye contact, reactive facial expressions, questions, and two listening ears.  It does not mean a voice chiming in to tell you about themselves while you are telling your story.

Starting a comparisation is tempting because:
1. We are anxious to create a common bond with the other person; to show them that we have something in common with them.   We can create the strongest bond, however, by listening and valuing what the other person is saying. There will be time later to share our own stories.
2.  We are trying to prove to the other person that we have value. For instance, rather than being genuinely happy and interested that the other person has gone on a fabulous vacation or their daughter is going off to college, we feel a need to show them that our life is going just as well as theirs if not better.  Feeling the need to boast of one's achievements, however, is not going to make someone value us. They will, however, value the person who listens intently to them.

The next time you start a conversation, remember the root word is "converse" and not "compare".  I promise it will be a much more enjoyable encounter for both of you.

Why Did We Quit Having Fun?

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We all see the same thing every January...commercials advertising how we can eat healthy, lose weight, and quit smoking.  Articles in magazines highlighting a step-by-step plan of how we can reach our goals.  Everything is about what we can and should do for self-improvement.  But what about the fun stuff?  How can we get our lives back on track in 2013 to have fun like we've experienced in the past?

Think back to some of the fun things you tried but they are no longer a part of your routine:  A daily morning walk to clear your head and bond with your dog or friend while enjoying nature.   A social or networking group that you frequented where you made new friends, felt included, and gained self-confidence.   A church that you attended in which you felt connected spiritually and socially to others.  A sport that you enjoyed.  A weekly date night with your significant other in which your bond strengthened as a result.  If you enjoyed doing these activities so much, why did you stop doing them?

Most likely, the problem is that you quit showing up.  Maybe you decided to sleep in for a few days, or maybe life's demands got in the way and prevented you from doing these activities for a few weeks.  As a result, those fun activities slid down a few rungs on your ladder of priorities, because you knew you could always do them later.  After all, you had to focus on the 'important' stuff that adults are supposed to focus on.   But as Steven Covey writes about in his bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we have a tendency to focus on the urgent things in life, and fun stuff is never urgent. 

Woody Allen was right--50% of life is showing up.  Even to do the fun stuff.  When planning your goals and your calendar for 2013, schedule fun things and do them.  What is one fun past activity you can schedule in your calendar this next week?  Remember, all work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull boy (or girl).  And who wants to be dull?