Beware of Facebook Envy

Facebook has intrigued most of us, even if we swore we'd never open an account, or seldom post updates ourselves.  The average  user logs on more than once a day (40 times per month), and spends 23 minutes on the site.  What is it about this specific social media outlet that makes us feel compelled to peek at the lives of our family and friends, and in some cases, acquaintances that we don't even know that well?

Despite Facebook's bright side of staying connected with others, do you ever feel left out when you log on?  Like your life is not nearly as exciting as your friends?  It seems like every day is a party for some Facebook friends.  It's a Tuesday night, and you're home alone, bored, eating a microwave meal while doing laundry.  You take a break, go check Facebook, and see your friends "checking in"  at exquisite restaurants you would only visit on special occasions (and I remind you, it's a week night).  Others are posting their pristine beach vacation photos, looking model-perfect in their swimsuits standing by their adorable, smiling children.

My life is probably average on the scale of excitement, yet recently a friend mentioned to me, "I see by reading your Facebook posts that you're always doing such exciting things."  Really?  Actually, most of the time I'm either working, or at home doing mundane chores.  I then went back and read some of my posts...I don't post daily or even weekly, but only when I'm going out for a fun weekend evening or while on vacation. It's not that I'm trying to portray my life as something out of the ordinary, but ordinary posts of ordinary days are....ordinary. And who cares to read about that?

It seems like at every concert or other anticipated event, I look around and see people with their phones perched out in front of them, ready to take photo and post it on Facebook to let their friends know they were actually there.  Rather than savoring the once-in-a-lifetime moment, they were staring into a little 3 inch screen.

When you're having an ordinary day, remember that others have plenty of these days, too. When you're having a fun, out-of-the-ordinary day, relish it.  Stop the inclination to update your status.  Put your phone in your pocket and enjoy the moment.  There will be time to update your friends later--such as on a Tuesday night while you're doing laundry.

Life Lessons From Valentine's Day

It was Valentine's Day,  and I was in first grade.  A boy in my class named Marvin liked me, and I was irritated by that fact; all because I instead liked a boy named David who didn't like me.  

Our teacher instructed us that our class would exchange valentines in an orderly fashion, row by row, meaning the first row would stand and walk down each of the other rows of desks, passing out valentines to those of us seated.  It all sounded wonderful, until I saw a horrific sight.  Three gift boxes, beautifully wrapped in white paper with shiny red ribbon, sitting at Marvin's desk.  I thought,  "Oh no, he CAN'T have brought these gifts for me.  If he gives me these gifts in front of the class, it will be like flashing neon lights, advertising Marvin's undying love for me, and I will be embarrassed beyond measure."  Sure enough, when Marvin's row stood up, he proudly carried those gifts to my row, and gently set them down on my desk with a smile.  I panicked, not saying a word.   I felt the entire class was staring at me.  What could I do?  I tried to give them away to the girl sitting next to me, but she wouldn't take them.  I then saw my teacher staring at me with disapproval.  After the valentine exchange was over, my teacher called me up to her desk and said something I'll never forget:  "Antoinette, if you don't want the gifts Marvin gave you, you should take them home and give them to someone else, but don't try to give them away in the class. It will hurt his feelings."  I couldn't believe her lack of sympathy for me.  I thought, "Why are Marvin's feelings more important than my feelings of humiliation?"  Little did I realize the power in my teacher's words.  Not once did I think about Marvin's intentions, nor about   the time and expense that Marvin's mother probably spent to shop, purchase, and wrap those gifts for her son to give to me.
As an adult, we have to continually remind ourselves of this life lesson....whenever we dismiss a kind gesture from someone whom we really don't want as a friend or a date, or from someone who we feel can't benefit us in some way.  Whether it's not returning a smile, text, email or a phone call, or whether it's not responding to their invitation, not expressing thanks for a gift or favor,  we are acting like a self-centered first grader. 
The next time someone shows you kindness, show your appreciation and gratefulness. It not only will help them feel good about themselves, but you will feel better about yourself, as it always feels good when we act honorably rather than selfishly.

Be More Sociable in 2015

In the numerous published lists of Common New Year's Resolutions, you will not spot "Being Sociable" in the Top 10.  Yet I believe most people desire a better social life than they will  admit. I've even had an increased number of people contact me for social confidence coaching this first week of the year.

Over the years, I've noticed that many people approach others with a warmth the first week of January. They make eye contact, they smile, they initiate small talk.  And I believe that it's because in addition to those common New Year's resolutions that many of us aspire--a desire to get healthy, become debt-free, and advance in our career, we also desire to be successful at socially relating to others. But unfortunately, as the newness of the new year wears off after the first few weeks, so do these social skills.

So how how do you keep the warmth towards others throughout the year? With intentionality. Taking the initiative to be the first to make friendly eye contact, smile, and say hello are actions that don't come automatically for many of us.  Just as you have to be intentional if you want to better manage your finances or get healthy, you have to be intentional about being sociable. It's not going to happen on its own.  It's just easier to go about our day with our head down, going where we need to go and doing what we need to do.  

Before you walk into the office, grocery store, bank, an appointment or a party, take a few moments to stop and think about how you're going to present yourself. Remind yourself to suspend thinking about all of the problems and worries in your own world, and portray a cheerful demeanor with others:  warm eye contact with a smile, and a friendly hello.  Not only will you notice a return of unexpected warmth from many others, but you'll surprisingly feel better about yourself.