Why Journal

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It started when I was in the seventh grade--I asked for a diary for Christmas. The kind with a lock and key. A little blank book where I could write ponderings about my twelve year old life.  I didn't have much to write about, but I liked the thought of being able to write transparently on those blank little lined pages.  And so it became a tradition; every Christmas I would ask for a diary.  As an adult, I graduated to "journals"...no more locks and keys, but soft, tan leather-bound journals that smell and feel wonderful to the touch.
I keep every one of my old diaries and journals in a large box, and I am able to say with confidence that if there was a fire in my house, that box would be the first material possession I would grab.
Those diaries and journals are truly "me"...with my insecurities, hopes and doubts, heartbreaks and celebrations, and even the mundane musings of the day.
One of my guilty pleasures is pulling down this box from the top shelf of my closet, and reading about life from my perspective one year ago--or ten, twenty, or thirty years ago.  I am able to see the way I've changed/matured through the years in some ways, but in other ways I see how I am the same. I'm reminded of the reality of my life at that point in time, rather than allowing my memory to romanticize the past.
During the first two years of my marriage I didn't keep a journal, because it seemed strange to have a book of my privately written thoughts on life separate from my husband.  Finally by our third year of marriage, I returned to my writings, and have done so in the twelve years since then.  Those two years that I don't have any days recorded seem like something is missing. All I have to rely on is my memory.  I can't imagine allowing another year of life to pass me by without recording its history.
As 2012 nears, consider starting a journal for this new year. There are no rules or guidelines about what to write--just promise yourself to be totally transparent.   I promise that years from now, you'll relish re-reading it.

Why Making Mistakes Has Been Good for Me

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For me, one of the most challenging verses in the Bible is James 2:13: "...judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgment."  That verse stings because I find it difficult to show mercy towards others who have done wrong, even if their mishap was not on purpose.

You see, I pay attention to detail. I am somewhat organized. I do not procrastinate. I pay attention. And because I possess these traits, I get frustrated with others who are lacking in these areas, because it causes them to make mistakes. "Stupid mistakes," I say to myself; "mistakes that could have been avoided if only they had paid attention, not procrastinated, and looked at every detail."

Therefore, I find it embarrassing that over the past few months, I have been making  a number of mistakes.  Not life-changing mistakes, but stupid mistakes. The mistake of purchasing something without reading the fine print (however actually it wasn't "fine print" at all, but very legible).   The mistake of overlooking something important for a customer because I was in too much of a hurry.  The mistake of forgetting to follow up with someone when I supposed to do so.

I chastise myself every time I make one of these mistakes, but to my surprise, I'm learning that the recipients of my mistakes have been very forgiving. Much more forgiving than I would have been as the recipient.  People have been kind and understanding, and it has been humbling when I think of how merciless I have been in the past.

I am learning that just as I feel horrible and stupid when I make mistakes, others must feel the same way when it happens to them, and the last thing they need is someone chastising them. What they need is the recipient of their mistake to kindly overlook the mishap.  I am learning that just because someone makes a mistake, it doesn't mean they are inept, disorganized, or ineffective at their profession--it just means they aren't perfect.  I am learning that as I kindly forgive minor offenses, those same people are much more likely to forgive my offenses when I mess up.  Lastly, I am learning that it's not a matter of "if I mess up", but "when I mess up", and most of all, I need to not be so hard on myself.  

As writer Elbert Hubbard states, "Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day.  Wisdom consists in not exceeding that limit."

If you can identify, I'd love to hear your comments!

Creating More Empathy

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A couple of weeks ago, a runner in our neighborhood was struck by a car and killed just down the street from our house.  No one I knew.  But when the local news showed his picture, I recognized him. He was the guy who I frequently saw running, the guy who always spoke with a smile whenever I encountered him during my morning walks.  Once I learned his name from watching the news, I went to my computer and Googled him. I opened his facebook page, which then in turn linked to his wife's facebook page. Her photos included one that was so impactful because of the tragedy...a photo of five stockings hung by a fireplace with the caption, "December 2010".  I suddenly felt a lot sadder about this loss of life, as I had been permitted through social media, to glimpse into the intimate images of this family.

Last weekend my husband and I took a trip 70 miles up the road to Fort Hood with seven bus loads from area churches for the purpose of "adopting" a soldier who is about to be deployed.  I've always had an emotional tug of patriotism, but how often do I stop during my day and think of the men and women abroad, fighting for or defending freedom?  Not nearly often enough.  Last Saturday I witnessed young men and women, some with girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, and children, but most with their fellow military buddies.  Some were laughing and joking around, others had a more serious tone to their voices.  We met a family standing close together in which the husband/father told us he was going to Afghanistan in two days.  When we met the soldier that we were assigned, he told us he was being deployed to Afghanistan with his wife the very next evening.  As a result, I've thought more about our military this past week than usual, all because I had the privilege of getting to know some of these soldiers.


We all want to be empathetic of others, and want empathy shown to us, but I'm finding that there is a direct relationship between how empathetic I feel towards another person and how well I know them.  Look for opportunities to  connect with others whenever you can.  On the flip side, let others connect with you.  Don't be so guarded that you don't let others get a glimpse of who you are--both your strengths and your weaknesses.  Allow others the opportunity to feel empathetic towards you.

How do you create more empathy in your life?  Share your comments by clicking here.

How to Get Someone's Attention

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Have you ever noticed that even in a crowded, noisy room you have an amazing ability to hear your name if it's mentioned in conversation by others?  Think about it--your first name is one of the few things in your life that has been with you since your parents tried to communicate with you as a baby.  That makes it a huge part of who you are.

Last year I decided to do an experiment.  When I was at the grocery store, bank, a restaurant, etc. I would read the name badge of the person who waited on me and use their name in conversation or when I thanked them.  The reactions I got were not earth-shattering, but they were interesting.  I noticed a little warmth sweep across their face with a pleasant surprise of direct eye contact, many times a smile, and often friendlier service.

This little gesture of using a stranger's name results in two benefits:

First, it connects you with the other person, and therefore you become more than just the average daily encounter to them. You will likely be treated in a friendly manner, and you may even receive better service as a result. 
Second, using another person's name in conversation will actually boost your confidence.  As you take the initiative to connect with strangers and watch their positive reactions, you will find yourself more confident regarding your interpersonal skills.

So the next time you see a name badge on someone's shirt, read it, use it, and see what happens. 
  
Do you read name badges and use the person's name in conversation? If not, why not? If so, what reactions did you get? I welcome you to share your comments.

Mr. Nice Guy

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There is a guy in my gym class who goes to many efforts to be nice.  He arrives early, sets up the step benches and hand weights for all of those around him, and sprays their hand weights with anti-septic spray. Once the class starts, he pauses to take a count of how many attendees are in the class, and reports this to the instructor afterwards. While everyone is doing ab exercises during the last ten minutes of class, he skips this part to put up everyone's benches and weights.  Why does this guy go to all of this extra effort to be nice to people who aren't even his friends?  No one knows, but I've certainly wondered.

Is being nice an innate trait, or is it something we have to practice?  I don't believe it's innate--look at toddlers, for example.  They are seldom nice before they are taught to be....they whine and cry when they don't get what they want, they seldom want to share, and want all the attention they can get. 

If being nice is not a natural trait, then why are we nice?

1.  To get something or someone we want:  We learn this as children, and we can all remember becoming masters of this technique as teenagers.  Want to go out tonight? Want to take the car? Want money? Be nice to Mom and Dad, and they just might give you what you want.  In the workforce, we are nice when we want a promotion, when we want the sale, and when we want accolades.

2.  To be liked:  Do you ever find yourself giving compliments to people just to get their attention and to gain acceptance?  Aren't most people extremely nice on the first few dates because they are trying to impress?

3.  We believe that little voice in our head that says, "what goes around, comes around":  That familiar Bible verse rings in our ears, " do to others what you would have them do to you..." Matthew 7:12.  I may not want to be nice to the annoying salesperson who calls at an inconvenient time, but since I'm in sales and have to cold call on others, I feel like I should treat them the way I would want to be treated. Or perhaps you see someone in distress, and you want to be nice and helpful to them, knowing that if you were in that situation you would want someone to do that for you.

4.  Because it's morally the right thing to do:  You may not feel like it, but you practice niceness anyway, because you have a desire to be a better person.  You know you're being nice for this reason when you know you won't gain anything for yourself directly as a result of your actions.

The first three motives for being nice is all about "me".  The last is about the other person.  So the next time you want to pat yourself on the back for being nice, ask yourself your true motives. If they fall into the first three categories, hooray for you for being nice, but realize you were doing it because of how you felt it might benefit you, either immediately or in the future.  Look for opportunities to be nice because you know it's the right thing to do, and that you're doing it for the benefit of the other person rather than yourself.