Be More Sociable in 2015

In the numerous published lists of Common New Year's Resolutions, you will not spot "Being Sociable" in the Top 10.  Yet I believe most people desire a better social life than they will  admit. I've even had an increased number of people contact me for social confidence coaching this first week of the year.

Over the years, I've noticed that many people approach others with a warmth the first week of January. They make eye contact, they smile, they initiate small talk.  And I believe that it's because in addition to those common New Year's resolutions that many of us aspire--a desire to get healthy, become debt-free, and advance in our career, we also desire to be successful at socially relating to others. But unfortunately, as the newness of the new year wears off after the first few weeks, so do these social skills.

So how how do you keep the warmth towards others throughout the year? With intentionality. Taking the initiative to be the first to make friendly eye contact, smile, and say hello are actions that don't come automatically for many of us.  Just as you have to be intentional if you want to better manage your finances or get healthy, you have to be intentional about being sociable. It's not going to happen on its own.  It's just easier to go about our day with our head down, going where we need to go and doing what we need to do.  

Before you walk into the office, grocery store, bank, an appointment or a party, take a few moments to stop and think about how you're going to present yourself. Remind yourself to suspend thinking about all of the problems and worries in your own world, and portray a cheerful demeanor with others:  warm eye contact with a smile, and a friendly hello.  Not only will you notice a return of unexpected warmth from many others, but you'll surprisingly feel better about yourself. 

The Social Barriers We Subconciously Create

You arrive at a social event and your eyes quickly scan the room.  You don't see anyone you know.  You walk over to the bar or buffet table  for something to focus on.  You look around again, and still no familiar faces.  What do you do?

Perhaps your hand automatically goes in your handbag or your pocket to grab your cell phone.  Thank goodness for your little plastic friend! You immediately begin pressing buttons, checking email, checking the weather, checking FaceBook.  Because when you are using your cell phone, you're not alone.  But deep down you know it's true--you really are alone.  That little "friend" becomes a 2.5" x 4.5" wall between you and everyone in the room.   Last Friday I was at a networking meeting where there were over one hundred business professionals, and saw a man sitting by himself at a table before the meeting started. I walked over to introduce myself to him, but as I grew closer, I noticed he was on his phone so I swiftly walked off.

Secondly, what about your facial expression?   When we enter a room full of strangers, we tend to put on our "game face." That face that communicates confidence, but also looks serious (almost frowning) because that's what our face does when we're ill-at-ease.  What's missing is the warm smile that relays to others that you are approachable.  You'd love to receive a smile from someone else, so why are you so reluctant to be the first one to give it?

A third social barrier is your physical space.  Standing in a room full of strangers always feels awkward, so many people try to find a seat as soon as they can. By sitting, you've basically cut yourself off from all of the others who are mingling and moving around.  The chances that someone else is going to approach you when you're sitting by yourself is a lot less likely than if you are standing.  And when you remain standing, what is your body language communicating? Are your arms folded or hands clasped in front of you?  You're probably not even aware you're doing it, but remember that people are drawn to those who have open body language rather than a guarded stance.

No matter how confident we are, it takes courage to walk into a room of strangers.  The next time you do it, stand up tall, walk in with a smile, move around, and leave your cell phone in the car.  It's scary, but I promise you'll have a much quicker and easier time connecting with others.  And isn't that the reason you came in the first place?

The Internet Took Away Our Excuse

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Ten years ago when we took time to examine our life and the reasons why we hadn't achieved our life goals or passions, we had some big obstacles to blame.  "I've sent my manuscript/song to 100 publishers/record producers but keep getting rejection letters", or  "I've developed a great product, but can't secure a distributor."  And the list goes on.

Fortunately, the Internet has solved many of those problems.  YouTube is no respecter of persons...anyone can go viral.  If you've created a product, whatever it is, you can set up a virtual store on your website, and anyone in the world can visit your store. No overhead, no utilities, no rent.  You may not set the world on fire with what you have to offer, but you have many more opportunities to be successful than you did ten years ago.

Consider Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the young woman who auditioned through the Internet to be a contestant on "Survivor", the popular reality television show.  As a result, she was accepted as a contestant on the 2001 series with a viewing audience of over 29 million.  Although Elizabeth didn't win the contest, she has laughed her way to the bank ever since that television stint.  "Survivor" catapulted her to fame, and as a result, landed her as a host on "The View", and she currently is a co-host on "Fox and Friends". Elizabeth's net worth is  $12 million.  And it all started from filling out an application on the Internet.

Just as the Internet has solved many of our obstacles, it's also taken away our excuses.  If the Internet has removed so many obstacles to our realization of greatness, then why are we not all being discovered for our talents?  Probably because we're not putting ourselves out there.

Are You Having A Conversation Or A Comparisation?

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Lately I've found myself guilty of doing the thing I hate when it's done to me.  I hate it when I'm telling a story, and someone else either interrupts or chimes in on the heel of my story with their own tale which is either similar to mine or better than mine.  It's like verbally raining on someone's parade.  But when I am guilty of doing it,  I mean no harm--I'm just trying to connect with them and show that we have something in common. It goes something like this, "Really? A similar thing happened to me..."  It's only been in my time reflecting on past conversations that I realize these comparisons are not forming a common bond, but they are deflating the other person's importance.

When we are telling someone a story or revealing something about ourselves, what we want most is to be heard. And this means focused eye contact, reactive facial expressions, questions, and two listening ears.  It does not mean a voice chiming in to tell you about themselves while you are telling your story.

Starting a comparisation is tempting because:
1. We are anxious to create a common bond with the other person; to show them that we have something in common with them.   We can create the strongest bond, however, by listening and valuing what the other person is saying. There will be time later to share our own stories.
2.  We are trying to prove to the other person that we have value. For instance, rather than being genuinely happy and interested that the other person has gone on a fabulous vacation or their daughter is going off to college, we feel a need to show them that our life is going just as well as theirs if not better.  Feeling the need to boast of one's achievements, however, is not going to make someone value us. They will, however, value the person who listens intently to them.

The next time you start a conversation, remember the root word is "converse" and not "compare".  I promise it will be a much more enjoyable encounter for both of you.

Why Did We Quit Having Fun?

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We all see the same thing every January...commercials advertising how we can eat healthy, lose weight, and quit smoking.  Articles in magazines highlighting a step-by-step plan of how we can reach our goals.  Everything is about what we can and should do for self-improvement.  But what about the fun stuff?  How can we get our lives back on track in 2013 to have fun like we've experienced in the past?

Think back to some of the fun things you tried but they are no longer a part of your routine:  A daily morning walk to clear your head and bond with your dog or friend while enjoying nature.   A social or networking group that you frequented where you made new friends, felt included, and gained self-confidence.   A church that you attended in which you felt connected spiritually and socially to others.  A sport that you enjoyed.  A weekly date night with your significant other in which your bond strengthened as a result.  If you enjoyed doing these activities so much, why did you stop doing them?

Most likely, the problem is that you quit showing up.  Maybe you decided to sleep in for a few days, or maybe life's demands got in the way and prevented you from doing these activities for a few weeks.  As a result, those fun activities slid down a few rungs on your ladder of priorities, because you knew you could always do them later.  After all, you had to focus on the 'important' stuff that adults are supposed to focus on.   But as Steven Covey writes about in his bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we have a tendency to focus on the urgent things in life, and fun stuff is never urgent. 

Woody Allen was right--50% of life is showing up.  Even to do the fun stuff.  When planning your goals and your calendar for 2013, schedule fun things and do them.  What is one fun past activity you can schedule in your calendar this next week?  Remember, all work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull boy (or girl).  And who wants to be dull? 

It's Okay To Be Last

I started working out at a gym called X-Train .  It's a boot camp style workout, and challenging for everyone.  However,  I still use lighter weights than most, run slower, and lay face down on the floor about 50% of the time when we're supposed to be in plank position.

Flash back to 20 years ago when I would have been humiliated to have been seen as the weakest or the last, and may have even quit going to a gym like that for that reason.  Not now.  Not only am I not humiliated, but I don't feel the least bit embarrassed about my lack of strength and physical fitness compared to the other regulars. Many of these regulars compete in triathlons, marathons, and participate in the grueling Tough Mudder competition.  Anybody who works out to that extent should be in better shape than me.

As best-selling author Jon Acuff writes, "If you want to be awesome at something, you just need to be brave enough to be horrible at it first.  The fear of being horrible is actually what keeps most people from ever being awesome at everything.  You’re afraid to look dumb when you give your first speech so you never give one. You’re afraid people will hate your first book so you never write one.  But guess what? If you’ve never tried something before, you should be horrible at it your first time. No, strike that. If you’ve never tried something before, you better HOPE you are horrible at it your first time. Why?  Because you want to improve." 

When I think back to the times in my life when I improved, it was when I was competing against or working with others who were more skilled than me.  They set the bar high, and thus made me dig deep to try to reach it.  Just as a lower priced house in a high end neighborhood realizes a higher value all because of its proximity to more expensive homes, your value will increase when you associate with those who are more skilled than you are.

I might still be trailing far behind those adroit professionals when it comes to the skills I'm trying to perfect, but those are the people I want to be working with and competing against because they will make me stronger.  And I will continue to tell myself that when I'm laying face down on the floor while everyone else is in perfect plank position.

A Do-Over At Half-Time

Image from BeckyPhoto.com

Just as a football team eagerly runs out on the field at the beginning of a game eager to implement their winning strategy, we typically choose New Year's Day as our time to start breaking bad habits and forming new ones for the brand new year.  Additionally, if you're goal oriented, you may make a written list of the goals you plan to accomplish. 
What about half-time? That's the crucial time that a football team gathers to restrategize what they can do better in the second half of the game to keep up with their successes, and improve on their deficiencies and weaknesses.  Do you examine your life with the same seriousness that a football team examines how well they are performing in a game?  If not, why not?
It's now July, so the bad news is that half of the year is gone. The good news is that you still have the second half of the year to stop those bad habits, form good ones, and make a plan to accomplish your 2012 goals.
During this holiday week, besides taking time off from work to watch fireworks, grill hamburgers, and sit by the pool or on the beach, allow some extra solitude time to examine your life and where you'd like to be by the end of the year. It may be something as simple as reducing your time on FaceBook to twice a week (or twice a day for those heavily addicted) which will allow you to gain extra time in your life for more worthwhile activities, or something as major as making a career change, and formulating a strategy on how to make that change. 
Whatever your goals are, six months is plenty of time to accomplish so much in your life! It's only half-time!