Are You Having A Conversation Or A Comparisation?

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Lately I've found myself guilty of doing the thing I hate when it's done to me.  I hate it when I'm telling a story, and someone else either interrupts or chimes in on the heel of my story with their own tale which is either similar to mine or better than mine.  It's like verbally raining on someone's parade.  But when I am guilty of doing it,  I mean no harm--I'm just trying to connect with them and show that we have something in common. It goes something like this, "Really? A similar thing happened to me..."  It's only been in my time reflecting on past conversations that I realize these comparisons are not forming a common bond, but they are deflating the other person's importance.

When we are telling someone a story or revealing something about ourselves, what we want most is to be heard. And this means focused eye contact, reactive facial expressions, questions, and two listening ears.  It does not mean a voice chiming in to tell you about themselves while you are telling your story.

Starting a comparisation is tempting because:
1. We are anxious to create a common bond with the other person; to show them that we have something in common with them.   We can create the strongest bond, however, by listening and valuing what the other person is saying. There will be time later to share our own stories.
2.  We are trying to prove to the other person that we have value. For instance, rather than being genuinely happy and interested that the other person has gone on a fabulous vacation or their daughter is going off to college, we feel a need to show them that our life is going just as well as theirs if not better.  Feeling the need to boast of one's achievements, however, is not going to make someone value us. They will, however, value the person who listens intently to them.

The next time you start a conversation, remember the root word is "converse" and not "compare".  I promise it will be a much more enjoyable encounter for both of you.

Creating More Empathy

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A couple of weeks ago, a runner in our neighborhood was struck by a car and killed just down the street from our house.  No one I knew.  But when the local news showed his picture, I recognized him. He was the guy who I frequently saw running, the guy who always spoke with a smile whenever I encountered him during my morning walks.  Once I learned his name from watching the news, I went to my computer and Googled him. I opened his facebook page, which then in turn linked to his wife's facebook page. Her photos included one that was so impactful because of the tragedy...a photo of five stockings hung by a fireplace with the caption, "December 2010".  I suddenly felt a lot sadder about this loss of life, as I had been permitted through social media, to glimpse into the intimate images of this family.

Last weekend my husband and I took a trip 70 miles up the road to Fort Hood with seven bus loads from area churches for the purpose of "adopting" a soldier who is about to be deployed.  I've always had an emotional tug of patriotism, but how often do I stop during my day and think of the men and women abroad, fighting for or defending freedom?  Not nearly often enough.  Last Saturday I witnessed young men and women, some with girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, and children, but most with their fellow military buddies.  Some were laughing and joking around, others had a more serious tone to their voices.  We met a family standing close together in which the husband/father told us he was going to Afghanistan in two days.  When we met the soldier that we were assigned, he told us he was being deployed to Afghanistan with his wife the very next evening.  As a result, I've thought more about our military this past week than usual, all because I had the privilege of getting to know some of these soldiers.


We all want to be empathetic of others, and want empathy shown to us, but I'm finding that there is a direct relationship between how empathetic I feel towards another person and how well I know them.  Look for opportunities to  connect with others whenever you can.  On the flip side, let others connect with you.  Don't be so guarded that you don't let others get a glimpse of who you are--both your strengths and your weaknesses.  Allow others the opportunity to feel empathetic towards you.

How do you create more empathy in your life?  Share your comments by clicking here.

How to Get Someone's Attention

Image from: Huffingtonpost.com

Have you ever noticed that even in a crowded, noisy room you have an amazing ability to hear your name if it's mentioned in conversation by others?  Think about it--your first name is one of the few things in your life that has been with you since your parents tried to communicate with you as a baby.  That makes it a huge part of who you are.

Last year I decided to do an experiment.  When I was at the grocery store, bank, a restaurant, etc. I would read the name badge of the person who waited on me and use their name in conversation or when I thanked them.  The reactions I got were not earth-shattering, but they were interesting.  I noticed a little warmth sweep across their face with a pleasant surprise of direct eye contact, many times a smile, and often friendlier service.

This little gesture of using a stranger's name results in two benefits:

First, it connects you with the other person, and therefore you become more than just the average daily encounter to them. You will likely be treated in a friendly manner, and you may even receive better service as a result. 
Second, using another person's name in conversation will actually boost your confidence.  As you take the initiative to connect with strangers and watch their positive reactions, you will find yourself more confident regarding your interpersonal skills.

So the next time you see a name badge on someone's shirt, read it, use it, and see what happens. 
  
Do you read name badges and use the person's name in conversation? If not, why not? If so, what reactions did you get? I welcome you to share your comments.