The Social Barriers We Subconciously Create

You arrive at a social event and your eyes quickly scan the room.  You don't see anyone you know.  You walk over to the bar or buffet table  for something to focus on.  You look around again, and still no familiar faces.  What do you do?

Perhaps your hand automatically goes in your handbag or your pocket to grab your cell phone.  Thank goodness for your little plastic friend! You immediately begin pressing buttons, checking email, checking the weather, checking FaceBook.  Because when you are using your cell phone, you're not alone.  But deep down you know it's true--you really are alone.  That little "friend" becomes a 2.5" x 4.5" wall between you and everyone in the room.   Last Friday I was at a networking meeting where there were over one hundred business professionals, and saw a man sitting by himself at a table before the meeting started. I walked over to introduce myself to him, but as I grew closer, I noticed he was on his phone so I swiftly walked off.

Secondly, what about your facial expression?   When we enter a room full of strangers, we tend to put on our "game face." That face that communicates confidence, but also looks serious (almost frowning) because that's what our face does when we're ill-at-ease.  What's missing is the warm smile that relays to others that you are approachable.  You'd love to receive a smile from someone else, so why are you so reluctant to be the first one to give it?

A third social barrier is your physical space.  Standing in a room full of strangers always feels awkward, so many people try to find a seat as soon as they can. By sitting, you've basically cut yourself off from all of the others who are mingling and moving around.  The chances that someone else is going to approach you when you're sitting by yourself is a lot less likely than if you are standing.  And when you remain standing, what is your body language communicating? Are your arms folded or hands clasped in front of you?  You're probably not even aware you're doing it, but remember that people are drawn to those who have open body language rather than a guarded stance.

No matter how confident we are, it takes courage to walk into a room of strangers.  The next time you do it, stand up tall, walk in with a smile, move around, and leave your cell phone in the car.  It's scary, but I promise you'll have a much quicker and easier time connecting with others.  And isn't that the reason you came in the first place?

Are You Having A Conversation Or A Comparisation?

Photo from AmusingTime.com

Lately I've found myself guilty of doing the thing I hate when it's done to me.  I hate it when I'm telling a story, and someone else either interrupts or chimes in on the heel of my story with their own tale which is either similar to mine or better than mine.  It's like verbally raining on someone's parade.  But when I am guilty of doing it,  I mean no harm--I'm just trying to connect with them and show that we have something in common. It goes something like this, "Really? A similar thing happened to me..."  It's only been in my time reflecting on past conversations that I realize these comparisons are not forming a common bond, but they are deflating the other person's importance.

When we are telling someone a story or revealing something about ourselves, what we want most is to be heard. And this means focused eye contact, reactive facial expressions, questions, and two listening ears.  It does not mean a voice chiming in to tell you about themselves while you are telling your story.

Starting a comparisation is tempting because:
1. We are anxious to create a common bond with the other person; to show them that we have something in common with them.   We can create the strongest bond, however, by listening and valuing what the other person is saying. There will be time later to share our own stories.
2.  We are trying to prove to the other person that we have value. For instance, rather than being genuinely happy and interested that the other person has gone on a fabulous vacation or their daughter is going off to college, we feel a need to show them that our life is going just as well as theirs if not better.  Feeling the need to boast of one's achievements, however, is not going to make someone value us. They will, however, value the person who listens intently to them.

The next time you start a conversation, remember the root word is "converse" and not "compare".  I promise it will be a much more enjoyable encounter for both of you.