Are You Having A Conversation Or A Comparisation?

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Lately I've found myself guilty of doing the thing I hate when it's done to me.  I hate it when I'm telling a story, and someone else either interrupts or chimes in on the heel of my story with their own tale which is either similar to mine or better than mine.  It's like verbally raining on someone's parade.  But when I am guilty of doing it,  I mean no harm--I'm just trying to connect with them and show that we have something in common. It goes something like this, "Really? A similar thing happened to me..."  It's only been in my time reflecting on past conversations that I realize these comparisons are not forming a common bond, but they are deflating the other person's importance.

When we are telling someone a story or revealing something about ourselves, what we want most is to be heard. And this means focused eye contact, reactive facial expressions, questions, and two listening ears.  It does not mean a voice chiming in to tell you about themselves while you are telling your story.

Starting a comparisation is tempting because:
1. We are anxious to create a common bond with the other person; to show them that we have something in common with them.   We can create the strongest bond, however, by listening and valuing what the other person is saying. There will be time later to share our own stories.
2.  We are trying to prove to the other person that we have value. For instance, rather than being genuinely happy and interested that the other person has gone on a fabulous vacation or their daughter is going off to college, we feel a need to show them that our life is going just as well as theirs if not better.  Feeling the need to boast of one's achievements, however, is not going to make someone value us. They will, however, value the person who listens intently to them.

The next time you start a conversation, remember the root word is "converse" and not "compare".  I promise it will be a much more enjoyable encounter for both of you.

Why Did We Quit Having Fun?

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We all see the same thing every January...commercials advertising how we can eat healthy, lose weight, and quit smoking.  Articles in magazines highlighting a step-by-step plan of how we can reach our goals.  Everything is about what we can and should do for self-improvement.  But what about the fun stuff?  How can we get our lives back on track in 2013 to have fun like we've experienced in the past?

Think back to some of the fun things you tried but they are no longer a part of your routine:  A daily morning walk to clear your head and bond with your dog or friend while enjoying nature.   A social or networking group that you frequented where you made new friends, felt included, and gained self-confidence.   A church that you attended in which you felt connected spiritually and socially to others.  A sport that you enjoyed.  A weekly date night with your significant other in which your bond strengthened as a result.  If you enjoyed doing these activities so much, why did you stop doing them?

Most likely, the problem is that you quit showing up.  Maybe you decided to sleep in for a few days, or maybe life's demands got in the way and prevented you from doing these activities for a few weeks.  As a result, those fun activities slid down a few rungs on your ladder of priorities, because you knew you could always do them later.  After all, you had to focus on the 'important' stuff that adults are supposed to focus on.   But as Steven Covey writes about in his bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we have a tendency to focus on the urgent things in life, and fun stuff is never urgent. 

Woody Allen was right--50% of life is showing up.  Even to do the fun stuff.  When planning your goals and your calendar for 2013, schedule fun things and do them.  What is one fun past activity you can schedule in your calendar this next week?  Remember, all work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull boy (or girl).  And who wants to be dull? 

It's Okay To Be Last

I started working out at a gym called X-Train .  It's a boot camp style workout, and challenging for everyone.  However,  I still use lighter weights than most, run slower, and lay face down on the floor about 50% of the time when we're supposed to be in plank position.

Flash back to 20 years ago when I would have been humiliated to have been seen as the weakest or the last, and may have even quit going to a gym like that for that reason.  Not now.  Not only am I not humiliated, but I don't feel the least bit embarrassed about my lack of strength and physical fitness compared to the other regulars. Many of these regulars compete in triathlons, marathons, and participate in the grueling Tough Mudder competition.  Anybody who works out to that extent should be in better shape than me.

As best-selling author Jon Acuff writes, "If you want to be awesome at something, you just need to be brave enough to be horrible at it first.  The fear of being horrible is actually what keeps most people from ever being awesome at everything.  You’re afraid to look dumb when you give your first speech so you never give one. You’re afraid people will hate your first book so you never write one.  But guess what? If you’ve never tried something before, you should be horrible at it your first time. No, strike that. If you’ve never tried something before, you better HOPE you are horrible at it your first time. Why?  Because you want to improve." 

When I think back to the times in my life when I improved, it was when I was competing against or working with others who were more skilled than me.  They set the bar high, and thus made me dig deep to try to reach it.  Just as a lower priced house in a high end neighborhood realizes a higher value all because of its proximity to more expensive homes, your value will increase when you associate with those who are more skilled than you are.

I might still be trailing far behind those adroit professionals when it comes to the skills I'm trying to perfect, but those are the people I want to be working with and competing against because they will make me stronger.  And I will continue to tell myself that when I'm laying face down on the floor while everyone else is in perfect plank position.

A Do-Over At Half-Time

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Just as a football team eagerly runs out on the field at the beginning of a game eager to implement their winning strategy, we typically choose New Year's Day as our time to start breaking bad habits and forming new ones for the brand new year.  Additionally, if you're goal oriented, you may make a written list of the goals you plan to accomplish. 
What about half-time? That's the crucial time that a football team gathers to restrategize what they can do better in the second half of the game to keep up with their successes, and improve on their deficiencies and weaknesses.  Do you examine your life with the same seriousness that a football team examines how well they are performing in a game?  If not, why not?
It's now July, so the bad news is that half of the year is gone. The good news is that you still have the second half of the year to stop those bad habits, form good ones, and make a plan to accomplish your 2012 goals.
During this holiday week, besides taking time off from work to watch fireworks, grill hamburgers, and sit by the pool or on the beach, allow some extra solitude time to examine your life and where you'd like to be by the end of the year. It may be something as simple as reducing your time on FaceBook to twice a week (or twice a day for those heavily addicted) which will allow you to gain extra time in your life for more worthwhile activities, or something as major as making a career change, and formulating a strategy on how to make that change. 
Whatever your goals are, six months is plenty of time to accomplish so much in your life! It's only half-time!

Your Professional Packaging

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You’ve heard it said that you only get one chance to make a first impression.  Every time we meet someone in a professional or personal setting, we immediately and subconsciously form impressions, either positive or negative.  Think of your appearance as your packaging.  If you interact in person with the public or with other business professionals who may refer business to you, many times they form their impression of your company and/or product based on you.   You may have the inner qualities of Mother Theresa, but until someone gets to know you, the only clues they have to judge you by is your outer packaging…your dress, demeanor, and overall appearance.

Think about the times you’ve observed someone who is dressed professionally. This person often garners more respect than others even though he or she hasn’t done anything to earn it.  Seem unfair?  Perhaps, but it happens every day.

Some cities such as Austin are commonly "business casual", but remember that you still need to portray a professional appearance.  Consider the following aspects of appearance:

Shoes:  Although flip flops, athletic shoes casual sandals are comfortable, they alter the entire appearance of an outfit.  Stick to dress shoes or sandals to keep your look professional.

Hair and Nails:  Long hair pulled back in a messy ponytail or bunched up haphazardly in a clip can make you look disorganized and sloppy.  Talon style fingernails are distracting and impractical in the workplace, and both women and men should make sure their nails are trimmed and clean.  Men should shave daily or keep their facial hair trimmed and neat.

Body Piercings and Tattoos:  Although these are socially acceptable with many younger generations, cover them up when doing business.

Casual Capris and Jeans:  Know that when you wear them, you are portraying a casual rather than a professional look.

Provocative clothing:  Although low cut blouses, tight pants, and short skirts are the norm in the workplace on television, leave them at home during the work week. If you have to wonder if your apparel is too racy for the workplace, then it probably is.

Perfumes and Colognes:  Don’t douse on so much that others can smell you coming and going.  This is especially important when visiting healthcare settings in which staff minimize fragrances out of respect for patients who may be overly sensitive to scents.

Ask yourself if you are dressed appropriately for an interview.  Why? Because when you meet other professionals for the first time, it is similar to an interview in that you want to make a good first impression.   If your appearance is not professional, people will never say anything, but will silently form opinions about you and the business you represent.  Why not make sure your outer packaging complements the fantastic business professional you are in the inside?

The Third Danger of Being Shy

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I discussed the first two dangers of being shy in my previous blog posts...the danger of not smiling, and the danger of not showing up nor getting out of your comfort zone.  Today I'll address the third danger of being shy:  "You Think It's All About You".  You may counter, "shy people are not confident people, so they by no means are self-absorbed".   Oh, really? What are you and I thinking of when we find ourselves feeling shy? If you're like me, you're thinking about what what everyone else is going to think about YOU.  You're afraid they will dismiss you.  You're afraid they'll find you out--they'll uncover your insecurities and your weaknesses.  You're afraid that you will embarrass yourself.  You're afraid of rejection.
I've got a secret for you.  People are too busy thinking about themselves and their own plans, hopes, dreams, troubles, worries, and insecurities.  They're not sitting around focusing on yours.  When you meet someone, they want to be accepted just like you do.  They don't know you, so they don't know you're "shy" (insecure, scared, etc.).  Why not spend your time just getting to know this new person, and put your own insecurities on the back burner for once.  Smile, ask them open-ended questions, and really listen to what makes them tick.  Larry King's favorite question is "why".  When you keep asking a person 'why', you will continue to peel away their outer layers like an onion.

When you are entering a social situation, whether it be personal or business, quietly whisper to yourself, "it's not about me."  Quit focusing on yourself, and focus on how you can connect to others and help enrich their lives.

The First Danger of Being Shy

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Those of you who know me will most likely think I am not an expert on shyness, but if you knew me a few decades ago, you would agree that I know the subject well.  Growing up, I was tremendously shy. Never one to initiate conversation, lowering my gaze when I came in contact with a stranger, I was the true definition of a wallflower.
What I discovered is that being shy is cute when you're a kid, and socially permitted when you're a teenager. When you're growing up, you are under the authority of adults, so being shy is seen as somewhat positive.  When you're an adult, the playing field is level with all of the other adults out there, and there is no joy or cuteness found in shyness.
Let's face it, "shyness" is a polite term for insecurity.  Even if you're a confident person who finds yourself shy at certain times, it's most likely because you lack self-confidence in those situations.
When we lack self-confidence, we pull our guard up around us for protection, and our beautiful smile goes away.  We do this subconsciously because a smile is a sign of vulnerability--a welcoming of others into our world. When our smile disappears, however, we are seen as aloof and unfriendly.  As a result, our shyness is read by others as unapproachable. 
How many times have you encountered another person who you thought of as extremely cold and unfriendly, only to see them warm up to you once they get to know you?  You feel like you've misjudged them--they were never unfriendly at all--they just took a little longer to warm up.  But how many times have you done the same  thing, having no idea that you're coming across as someone to not be approached? This is a dangerous spiral, because so often when we are lacking self-confidence, we are looking for the approval of others in a social setting, yet we push them away with our chilly demeanor.
No matter how nervous you feel in a situation, force the edges of your mouth outwards and upwards--until you feel the skin around your eyes crinkle.  Even without saying a word, you're more likely to be approached and accepted by others.
There are additional dangers shyness that we need to overcome, but I'll save these for my next blog post.