Sunday, June 26, 2011

Creating More Empathy

Image from Squidoo.com
A couple of weeks ago, a runner in our neighborhood was struck by a car and killed just down the street from our house.  No one I knew.  But when the local news showed his picture, I recognized him. He was the guy who I frequently saw running, the guy who always spoke with a smile whenever I encountered him during my morning walks.  Once I learned his name from watching the news, I went to my computer and Googled him. I opened his facebook page, which then in turn linked to his wife's facebook page. Her photos included one that was so impactful because of the tragedy...a photo of five stockings hung by a fireplace with the caption, "December 2010".  I suddenly felt a lot sadder about this loss of life, as I had been permitted through social media, to glimpse into the intimate images of this family.

Last weekend my husband and I took a trip 70 miles up the road to Fort Hood with seven bus loads from area churches for the purpose of "adopting" a soldier who is about to be deployed.  I've always had an emotional tug of patriotism, but how often do I stop during my day and think of the men and women abroad, fighting for or defending freedom?  Not nearly often enough.  Last Saturday I witnessed young men and women, some with girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, and children, but most with their fellow military buddies.  Some were laughing and joking around, others had a more serious tone to their voices.  We met a family standing close together in which the husband/father told us he was going to Afghanistan in two days.  When we met the soldier that we were assigned, he told us he was being deployed to Afghanistan with his wife the very next evening.  As a result, I've thought more about our military this past week than usual, all because I had the privilege of getting to know some of these soldiers.


We all want to be empathetic of others, and want empathy shown to us, but I'm finding that there is a direct relationship between how empathetic I feel towards another person and how well I know them.  Look for opportunities to  connect with others whenever you can.  On the flip side, let others connect with you.  Don't be so guarded that you don't let others get a glimpse of who you are--both your strengths and your weaknesses.  Allow others the opportunity to feel empathetic towards you.

How do you create more empathy in your life?  Share your comments by clicking here.

Friday, June 10, 2011

How to Get Someone's Attention

Image from: Huffingtonpost.com
Have you ever noticed that even in a crowded, noisy room you have an amazing ability to hear your name if it's mentioned in conversation by others?  Think about it--your first name is one of the few things in your life that has been with you since your parents tried to communicate with you as a baby.  That makes it a huge part of who you are.

Last year I decided to do an experiment.  When I was at the grocery store, bank, a restaurant, etc. I would read the name badge of the person who waited on me and use their name in conversation or when I thanked them.  The reactions I got were not earth-shattering, but they were interesting.  I noticed a little warmth sweep across their face with a pleasant surprise of direct eye contact, many times a smile, and often friendlier service.

This little gesture of using a stranger's name results in two benefits:
First, it connects you with the other person, and therefore you become more than just the average daily encounter to them. You will likely be treated in a friendly manner, and you may even receive better service as a result. 
Second, using another person's name in conversation will actually boost your confidence.  As you take the initiative to connect with strangers and watch their positive reactions, you will find yourself more confident regarding your interpersonal skills.

So the next time you see a name badge on someone's shirt, read it, use it, and see what happens. 
  
Do you read name badges and use the person's name in conversation? If not, why not? If so, what reactions did you get? I welcome you to share your comments.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Mr. Nice Guy

Image from newsworldmovies.blogspot.com
There is a guy in my gym class who goes to many efforts to be nice.  He arrives early, sets up the step benches and hand weights for all of those around him, and sprays their hand weights with anti-septic spray. Once the class starts, he pauses to take a count of how many attendees are in the class, and reports this to the instructor afterwards. While everyone is doing ab exercises during the last ten minutes of class, he skips this part to put up everyone's benches and weights.  Why does this guy go to all of this extra effort to be nice to people who aren't even his friends?  No one knows, but I've certainly wondered.
Is being nice an innate trait, or is it something we have to practice?  I don't believe it's innate--look at toddlers, for example.  They are seldom nice before they are taught to be....they whine and cry when they don't get what they want, they seldom want to share, and want all the attention they can get. 

If being nice is not a natural trait, then why are we nice?
1.  To get something or someone we want:  We learn this as children, and we can all remember becoming masters of this technique as teenagers.  Want to go out tonight? Want to take the car? Want money? Be nice to Mom and Dad, and they just might give you what you want.  In the workforce, we are nice when we want a promotion, when we want the sale, and when we want accolades.
2.  To be liked:  Do you ever find yourself giving compliments to people just to get their attention and to gain acceptance?  Aren't most people extremely nice on the first few dates because they are trying to impress?
3.  We believe that little voice in our head that says, "what goes around, comes around":  That familiar Bible verse rings in our ears, " do to others what you would have them do to you..." Matthew 7:12.  I may not want to be nice to the annoying salesperson who calls at an inconvenient time, but since I'm in sales and have to cold call on others, I feel like I should treat them the way I would want to be treated. Or perhaps you see someone in distress, and you want to be nice and helpful to them, knowing that if you were in that situation you would want someone to do that for you.
4.  Because it's morally the right thing to do:  You may not feel like it, but you practice niceness anyway, because you have a desire to be a better person.  You know you're being nice for this reason when you know you won't gain anything for yourself directly as a result of your actions.

The first three motives for being nice is all about "me".  The last is about the other person.  So the next time you want to pat yourself on the back for being nice, ask yourself your true motives. If they fall into the first three categories, hooray for you for being nice, but realize you were doing it because of how you felt it might benefit you, either immediately or in the future.  Look for opportunities to be nice because you know it's the right thing to do, and that you're doing it for the benefit of the other person rather than yourself.